Xeloda and Tykerb for my Brain Metastases
A week ago my long awaited Xeloda and Tykerb arrived in the mail, so I could start my new regimen. I have had some friends have some great responses to Xeloda recently (most aren’t also on Tykerb), so I am super hopeful and nervous that I am hopeful. Hope gets you out of bed in the morning on some days – and I have needed some of that. The brain metastases and winter threw me into a depression. This isn’t abnormal...
Insomniac
My brain is working overtime, which is exactly what it shouldn’t be doing. My tumor counts came back stable (not what I was expecting, I really wish they would come back in time for my appointments!), so I started to second guess the Xeloda/Tykerb decision. Most of the second guessing has been happening at 3:00 AM. My brain running over and over, what if this is the wrong choice? What if my body becomes unstable? What if I have...
Counting my Spoons Before They are Hatched
So… Mike’s insurance company from his newer job called yesterday and told me that they have this special program where they will pull my cancer hospital into network. I was like “yay, whoa, that is super awesome because I have no idea how long we can figure out how to do this whole COBRA thing to keep my insurance, whether or not it is really going to make financial sense in the long run.” Having my secondary...
The Queen Reigns On
I always say I am side effect queen. I get the rarest, stupidest “you will never get this in a million years” side effects. See ONJ after 3 infusions of Zometa. Saturday I woke up with pain in my chest. I knew this could be a side effect from Affinitor, so I trudged through the day. Took my meds and figured “eh, mild chest pain – pfttt.” Until later on in the evening when I was dizzy, couldn’t...
If It’s so Wrong, It has to be Right
The cheesecake I am eating. Pumkin pie cheesecake, it came in a black container so now you can go ahead and debate whether that means Olive Garden loves Halloween in November, or is entirely satanic and that WILL be their color for the holidays. You know, since food containers are what we talk about on the internet obsessively. Brain radiation officially has codename “bacon day” since I couldn’t eat bacon at the...
Sinking
Sometimes I feel like I am in the deep end of a pool, looking up at the colorful bodies swimming around above me and wondering if/when I should go up for air. This past week I feel like the water is getting deeper and deeper and I am sinking further down. Gasping for air and not knowing if I can get back to the top as I sink into the darker water. When you have depression and anxiety as a normal part of your personality, grabbing high...