Anxious and Paranoid

As my next appointment creeps up on me, this week, I keep wondering what that turmoil at the pit of my stomach is… until I realized I am sick and anxious for those little numbers I will get on Friday. My tumor markers.

I changed my schedule so that I now get my tumor markers drawn Thursday so that I will have them on Friday. We have found out through scans and progress so far that my tumor markers are clearly indicative of spreading cancer for me.

Normally if they are drawn on Friday, I usually don’t know until the following week.

I am scared that I am going to be one of those people that needs chemo to keep my cancer at bay. I am scared that the cancer will start spreading again. I am just plain scared…

My life went from “meh, slow growing lung spots to HOLY GUACAMOLE Christmas tree Mandi.”

My dogs are being their extra protective selves. This could be because I have so much anxiety… they also seem to do this when my cancer is spreading. So now I am anxious AND paranoid.

I know that there isn’t a huge sense of calm in metastatic breast cancer-land. That I will always live scan to scan, treatment to treatment, appointment to appointment… I wonder if it ever gets easier or if it will always be this hard.

Women with metastatic breast cancer sometimes seem to be doing well one day and are gone the next.

My type A “must be in control” seems to come out more as I have been feeling a bit better. Letrazole has side effects that I seemed to have forgotten about. My joints are screaming – mixed with the muscle/nerve pain leftover from Taxotere I have a rough time getting out of bed in the morning. I often lay there wide awake trying not to move a single muscle… this seems to be getting better the longer I am on it, so I am holding out for an easier run with it.

Ooooooh the hot flashes are much much worse than just having an oophorectomy. I figured I hardly have any estrogen, HOW COULD IT GET WORSE? Letrazole, that is how. I am sweating from head to toe, panting, covering myself and then ripping layers of clothes off. The thermostat is not my friend (we have a Nest, so I can control it from my phone, wherever I am in the house – hot-cold-hot-cold).


My big excitement is that we are less than a month away from our big trip to Europe! I was hoping I would have more hair, but oh well, I will be running around with a fuzzy head. Everything is reserved and I am ready for nonstop gelato and amazing coffee! We have had a lot of help from family and friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart! If you are interested in helping, the link is here:

Me making organic delicious homemade mozzarella from my list

Me making organic delicious homemade mozzarella from my list

Author: Mandi

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