A question that seems to creep into my brain these days is whether or not I live like I am going to live or like I am going to die (I think they may be different, but not everyone can spend their last days in a beach house in a foreign country…). This may seem a little crazy, but post treatment and recurrence fears cause you to think carefully about your mortality. I think about it much less than I used to, but it is a thought process that seems unavoidable.
Honestly, if I were gambling in Vegas, the odds are certainly in my favor, but this gamble is my life. The funny thing is that I am not sure what I would change if I were dying.
When I think back to how sick I was last year I am still amazed how sick cancer TREATMENT makes you. Mike keeps reminding me that my experience included a whole ton of surgeries which was a wee bit abnormal. I spent my entire chemo experience waiting for the dam to burst, and it did, a few times. The things that meant the most to me when I was sick were the little things. Such as being able to go to work (for most of my treatment) and make things happen. Spending time with my friends and family. Just spending hours upon hours being dumb and goofy with Mike. So these are the things I treasure more in life.
Mike started a new job while I was in treatment after my third surgery. An awesome and very stressful job. We weren’t quite sure how much we needed to hide my predicament, but luckily it all turned out fine. Right now we have to focus on getting his stress level under control, we have been under so much stress this past year, that we don’t how to turn it off. I really don’t know what it is like to be the caretaker watching your spouse go through treatment, and quite frankly I don’t ever want to ever have to know what it is like. We had so much help from family and friends and the whole thing was still very overwhelming.
As I had said in a previous post that each day brings more clarity. I don’t know how to describe it beyond that. Less stress and my body recuperating bring my brain more and more out of the fog. I am able to function longer and work and come home and cook a meal from scratch. I still get pretty exhausted and spend a lot more time at home relaxing than I used to (before cancer), but it might not really be a bad thing.
So, these days I am determined to choose to live like I am living.