It may sound funny because as I started this breast cancer blog I surrounded myself with positivity (and maybe a wee bit of sarcasm, ok… a lot of sarcasm). I laughed at the random things that probably wouldn’t make most human beings laugh and I made it through each day so that I could wake up the next and say “wow, it is awesome to be here!” I was making some serious darn good lemonade.
I have noted in some previous posts that I have lost a bit of that. Overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, depression and the ups and downs that come with my hormones being out of wack isn’t always a pretty picture. I created a huge upheaval and moved my husband and I to a beautiful new home (which I looooovveeee, but sometimes wonder about my motive).
I am learning that I do truly control my own happiness (which is often hard to believe). I can’t control the things that happen around me, or what the people in my life do, but I can control how I feel about all of it. That doesn’t mean I am not going to get sad or angry, but I am forcing myself to remember to take a step back and wonder if being miserable about something is really worth it.
I am a pessimist at heart, so this is a bit of an inner battle for me, but I am finding that the more I push my outlook to be brighter the better I feel. Honestly, I think some of my happiest days, were days while I was in treatment. This may sound completely bonkers (hey I never claimed to not be a little bit on the wacky side), but seriously… I would make myself live in the moment, because the moment was exactly I had. I didn’t want to dwell on what happened the previous week or what was going to happen next week. I wanted to enjoy the glass of wine in my hand (yes my oncologist let me drink wine), the sun shining on my face, my handsome husband in the other room cooking dinner, the sound of birds chirping, the summer breeze and the fuzzy dog in my lap. Being sick didn’t exactly make me happy, but I was telling myself to be happy, and that made me happy.
Don’t worry, I haven’t gone all woo-woo on you, but I have been learning that loving those moments is worth it. Living in the moment is worth it and controlling your own happiness is worth it. So I am going to make the most of what I can, be as positive as I can (and just pretend not to be cranky the rest of the time, because I am NEVER cranky I swear ).