{"id":3954,"date":"2016-09-26T20:58:43","date_gmt":"2016-09-27T02:58:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/?p=3954"},"modified":"2016-09-26T20:59:40","modified_gmt":"2016-09-27T02:59:40","slug":"remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/","title":{"rendered":"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have been holding on to this post for quite some time (I keep forgetting to post it, chemo brain-much?). A couple of my friends had offered to write posts for the blog offering advice about how not to murder your friend with cancer (dark humor gets us by sometimes). Christine’s post is probably more befitting of where my brain has been more recently. My friend Kaz also wrote a past post called Support is About Showing Up<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Christine

Christine and I<\/p><\/div>\n

Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember<\/h3>\n

By Christine McDonough<\/em><\/p>\n

Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed\u00a0with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing you can do to fix it. You just\u00a0have to take it on the chin with a stab to the heart. And that reality can scare everyone,\u00a0eclipse everything else about your relationship, eclipse everything, until it turns into the\u00a0only thing you focus on.<\/p>\n

But there are so many other things to remember. And you need to remember to\u00a0remember. For starters, your loved one is still the same person. Maybe a more frightened\u00a0version; possibly a more enlightened version; sometimes a more selfless person, and\u00a0sometimes are more selfish version – sometimes all in the same day. But still the same\u00a0person. Don’t lose the Person among the Versions, and don\u2019t lose Her to the Disease.\u00a0She\u2019s a person still – one with complex emotions on an extremely complicated roller\u00a0coaster.<\/p>\n

Another thing to remember – your loved one is still alive when they’re alive. Death is\u00a0coming, yes. But does that mean you have to give up and say, oh dear, death is\u00a0inevitable, so naturally the there isn’t any ambition anymore? Avoid the mistake of\u00a0presuming your loved one can’t expand, can’t grow, can\u2019t change, can’t become\u00a0something new if they want to. If you miss this point, you might not encourage that growth\u00a0and expansion, and you will lose out on knowing an even more wonderful person than the\u00a0one you knew before. Everyone deserves that, whatever the circumstances. You are not\u00a0in charge of your loved one’s steering wheel, their gas pedal, or their brakes. Instead you\u00a0get to encourage them from the passenger seat. Or even from the bleachers. And when\u00a0they need to put on the brakes, you get to congratulate them for driving over that obstacle\u00a0course of potholes.<\/p>\n

So many things to remember.<\/p>\n

But don’t forget the forgetting. There are times when you need to forget everything –\u00a0yourself, and forget completely. It’s not about you. Your time might be chaotic, but your\u00a0loved one knows their time is limited. So it\u2019s really not about you.<\/p>\n

Find a way to be in the moment. Forget that the moment will be gone. You’ll miss every\u00a0single memorable moment if you are distracted by the knowledge that the moment will\u00a0end. I know it feels like a circular argument. But if you’re in a moment, turn off your brain\u00a0and be in the moment. Hug and laugh and cry.<\/p>\n

Stop thinking. Forget.\u00a0But when such a moment has passed, make the memory solid. It seems silly, but look\u00a0around and name your surroundings. Drinks around the fire pit. Expensive champagne\u00a0and a broken champagne flute. Giggles. Exceptional Twerking. Coloring books and cat\u00a0eye makeup. Group hugs and group tears in fuzzy, footie pajamas. These are the small\u00a0things that matter, small memories that are part of the story you shared, part of the history\u00a0you\u2019re sharing.<\/p>\n

Death is a scary thing. You need to remember this sometimes; and other times you really\u00a0need to forget. Your loved one is scared right now? Show some comfort. Your loved one\u00a0wants to watch a basketball game? Watch the damn basketball game. Remember to take\u00a0a cue; forget about the unimportant stuff.\u00a0Through everything – the happy times, sad times,\u00a0scary times, uncomfortable times – the\u00a0most important thing is to let your loved one know one thing:<\/p>\n

You will always remember to remember.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have been holding on to this post for quite some time (I keep forgetting to post it, chemo brain-much?). A couple of my friends had offered to write posts for the blog offering advice about how not to murder your friend with cancer (dark humor gets us by sometimes). Christine’s post is probably more […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3956,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[57,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3954","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice","category-life"],"yoast_head":"\r\nRemembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember - Cancer Blog<\/title>\r\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it.\" \/>\r\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\r\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing you can do to fix it. You just have to take it on the chin with a stab to the heart.\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Darn Good Lemonade\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/darngoodlemonade\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-09-27T02:58:43+00:00\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-09-27T02:59:40+00:00\" \/>\r\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/christine.jpg\" \/>\r\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"835\" \/>\r\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"626\" \/>\r\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\r\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Mandi\" \/>\r\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Mandi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\r\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/\",\"name\":\"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember - Cancer Blog\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-09-27T02:58:43+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-09-27T02:59:40+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#\/schema\/person\/1e1c9f47504fcf559903384f2f113d74\"},\"description\":\"Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/\",\"name\":\"Darn Good Lemonade\",\"description\":\"Diagnosed at 30, Making Lemonade with Mets at 34\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#\/schema\/person\/1e1c9f47504fcf559903384f2f113d74\",\"name\":\"Mandi\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2ecc50ca6462dbf0989f2b5b55ad623607e8414ff93b26ce460d5b451a15e079?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2ecc50ca6462dbf0989f2b5b55ad623607e8414ff93b26ce460d5b451a15e079?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Mandi\"},\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/author\/mandi\/\"}]}<\/script>\r\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember - Cancer Blog","description":"Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember","og_description":"Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing you can do to fix it. You just have to take it on the chin with a stab to the heart.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/","og_site_name":"Darn Good Lemonade","article_publisher":"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/darngoodlemonade","article_published_time":"2016-09-27T02:58:43+00:00","article_modified_time":"2016-09-27T02:59:40+00:00","og_image":[{"width":835,"height":626,"url":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/christine.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Mandi","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Mandi","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/","url":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/","name":"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember - Cancer Blog","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-09-27T02:58:43+00:00","dateModified":"2016-09-27T02:59:40+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#\/schema\/person\/1e1c9f47504fcf559903384f2f113d74"},"description":"Of all the things in all the world, one of the worst is to have someone you love diagnosed with a terminal illness. Nothing you can do to stop it.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/26\/remembering-and-forgetting-and-remembering-to-remember\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Remembering and Forgetting and Remembering to Remember"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/","name":"Darn Good Lemonade","description":"Diagnosed at 30, Making Lemonade with Mets at 34","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#\/schema\/person\/1e1c9f47504fcf559903384f2f113d74","name":"Mandi","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2ecc50ca6462dbf0989f2b5b55ad623607e8414ff93b26ce460d5b451a15e079?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2ecc50ca6462dbf0989f2b5b55ad623607e8414ff93b26ce460d5b451a15e079?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Mandi"},"sameAs":["http:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/author\/mandi\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3954","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3954"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3954\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3957,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3954\/revisions\/3957"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3956"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3954"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3954"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.darngoodlemonade.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3954"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}