Sleep, what is that again? Feels like it has been forever since I managed to get more than three hours of good sleep. Nights are still full of tears and reoccurring dreams that haunt me throughout the day. I work all day and spend the rest of the night tidying up the house and taking care of the dogs so that I can rinse and repeat in the morning. Lately there has been so much going on I barely have any time to relax.
I seem to be doing ok at the new job, there is plenty to do to keep my mind occupied. Getting home at the end of the day is a different story, arriving to an empty house is soul crushing. Mandi was the reason I would go to work early, this meant I had more time to spend with her. Regardless what we were doing, I just felt complete with her at my side. Empty is the new me and it does not seem to be changing anytime soon. I want to say I am doing better, but that is just not the case. I feel like an empty shell of what I used to be trapped in a fog of grief.
I’ve been trying hard to get out and do things to keep my chin up, last week however I should have ducked. While I was out with a friend riding my motorcycle we decided to go play a round of frisbee golf. It was a nice day and I was in good spirits, that is until a frisbee of doom decided it wanted to send me to the ER. The group behind us forgot to yell out, “Fore!” and I was the unlucky victim. The group felt terrible and rushed to get me a first aid kit from their car, they were actually very nice. The rest of the day I spent listening to the TV with stitches and an icepack on my face.
You should see the other guy.
Not being able to wear glasses as a result of the injury has been interesting, I work in computers and I am fairly blind these days without them. It will be nice when I can read without being one inch away from my screen. I miss my sunglasses too, when did the sun get so bright? They say it will be a few weeks before I am healed, and to limit exposer to sunlight. Nothing I can’t fix with some sunscreen or a hat on, I am not sacrificing my plans to take Fifi out over my stupid nose. I have a list to work on and promises to keep, nothing is going to stop me.
I have been tidying up Mandi’s office and found a bunch of her artwork, she is an amazing artist. One of her favorite things to paint was Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. I can barely write my name let alone paint, music was my only creative outlet. Mandi’s ability to create beautiful things seem just about infinite, literally anything she put her mind to she excelled at. I can guarantee if she took up writing music she would have surpassed my ability in no time.
My mom has been coming by and working on my front yard, planting flowers and getting rid of the weeds. She has been a huge amount of support, I swear the minute I feel like I am loosing control she comes to my rescue. Mandi’s family have also been extremely supportive, I am so lucky to have them in my life. I only refer to them as her family so people know who I am talking about, I love them as if they were my own blood. Mandi’s dad checks up on me at least once a week and her mom and I stay in touch on a regular basis. I look up to both of them as my own parents, and nothing will ever change that.
A self portrait Mandi painted for me.
Kira and Dante have started to get along better this last week which is saving me some headaches. Kira did manage to kill the new vacuum, so that is now two that meet their demise by dog. Granted this time it was her hair clogging the motor and not a result of her actually eating the vacuum. Hopefully I can fix it, I would rather not have to buy a new one after only owning this one for just under six months. The dryer is also making a loud noise like the bearing is going out, the fun never ends.
This month flew by, I didn’t get a chance to take Fifi out which I really wanted. I want to get out soon and start spreading Mandi’s ashes like I promised. I know I need to take it slow, but a part of me feels like I am failing for some reason. Mandi would have had Fifi out camping by now, my luck seems to have me in a headlock. Next week I am going to force myself to go somewhere, I have to do this for her. There are so many things I want to get done to honor my amazing wife, it would be nice if there were more hours in a day.
Fingers crossed I can make it through next week without any vet visits, injuries, or things breaking. There is so much to do, I could use a vacation from bad luck. I still have a fund raiser to plan and a mountain of items to complete on The Mandi List. Just got to keep myself focused on the finish line, I will get there.
I will post the artwork I found as soon as I get them scanned. For now I shared some of my favorite ones, but more are coming I promise. I hope everyone has a good week, and thank you for all the support and love you have been sending.
