Branches Around my Heart
How to live hasn’t been something I have struggled a lot with. How to find time t0 do all of that living seemed to be the question. This week was the first time I felt like I truly fell down. I fell, and am nursing my hypothetical bruises. The bruise has branches up around my heart where they sit. Dark veins, telling me to give up, I don’t want to give up, but it murmers in one tired ear while my fingertips brush it away....
June, Hey June, Don’t Let Me Down
I have been dreading and looking forward to June. My life is an exciting bunch of good and bad. June meant our big Lake Powell trip that we have been planning since last year. It has been a list item for me, I live in Utah and have somehow never been to Lake Powell. Mike loves Lake Powell and he has been aching to go for ages and it has just never been in the cards since it is a far drive and we have wanted to spend a decent amount of...
Chemo, Fifi on the Loose, Decisions to be Made
In the battle of pain, lately it has been pain 10, Mandi 0. My palliative care doctor and I mulled over the fact that we had increased my time release medication and my pain was still increasing. It was like the increase had no impact. I guess sometimes your body will just become accustomed to a pain medication and it doesn’t help much, even if you increase the dosage. So she opted to change my time release medication from...
Amish Jam
Lately I have been wading in the depths of anxiety and depression that I just don’t know how to get out of. I don’t feel fully myself. Less smiles, less laughs, more grumpy, more tired… I know this is possible side effects of brain mets and heck, side effects of having terminal cancer. Life is more enjoyable when you can actively enjoy it. I have good moments and I have bad moments and I want to find my way back into...
Burning Man-di
Lately I have been working on #TheMandiList. Beyond checking items off, I have also been deciding on what items I want/should add (I would love to make it a fun list that people challenge each other to complete). I ran into a minor snafu on THE BIG ONE this year. Last year it was Europe. I wasn’t going down without completing my dream trip to Europe and we did it! Italy and Greece, the two big places I had always dreamed of...
Back to Reality
Nothing like sitting in a chemo chair less than 4 days after snorkeling with beautiful fish in tropical waters for a big dose of reality. Don’t get my wrong, I am grateful that I have a medical team that supports my wild ambitions of traveling and seeing as much of the world and as many beautiful places as I can before my ticking clock decides my time is up. I flew home Tuesday evening. After we loaded onto our plane in Atlanta...