It is hard to believe it has been over a year since I lost my beautiful Mandi. I know I haven’t posted in a while, since January a lot has been going on. I met someone who shares a similar burden of grief and she has been helping me out immensely. Having someone who understands on a deeper level what loosing your spouse is like has had a huge impact on my wellbeing. I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am without her, and I am incredibly grateful.
However, somewhere along the way my depression went in to overdrive. A dark shadow that follows me around everywhere, determined to destroy my happiness.
I have a hard time understanding what is actually causing the depression, things are actually going well for me. Now granted, I have bottled up a some of my feelings lately and I am sure that is contributing in a diminutive way. But there is something bigger hiding inside, and it refuses to leave me alone. I have accepted that my life has changed, and I am ready for the next chapter.
Why can’t this feeling of complete loss go away? Is it my PTSD? Or is it possible deep down inside me I still haven’t accepted losing Mandi? I still cry late at night thinking about memories that pop up randomly and I do still have terrible dreams about that day, but they are much less frequent.
At times I feel like this depression is pushing me further from my friends and family, I see them less frequently and I know a large part of that is my diminishing motivation to connect and the fact that I am getting older.
The shadow following me around wants me to believe that I am somehow a burden with my feelings on others, but my logic and understanding of depression knows that is just not true. People move on and things change when you loose someone that was a big part of those circles of friendship, and I understand that.
I try and stay active and occupy myself like therapy suggests, I have even done a decent amount of camping this year and it has been helping. So far I have been to Vernon Reservoir, Goblin Valley, Miller Flat Reservoir, and even took a trip to Romania for work. I have been bringing Mandi’s ashes when possible and spreading her all over, just like she wanted.
So as for the getting out and doing things, I am on top of it. It is hard revisiting places Mandi and I have stayed without stirring up memories, but I am happy to be honoring her wishes and will continue doing so forever.
If I just keep myself pointed in the right direction and put one foot in front of the other, I am sure I will tackle this new depression. I know Mandi would not want me dwelling on the past, but it is hard. Cancer has does nothing but steal everything important to me in this world. Casting light on this new shadow will take some time, but for her I will never stop trying to improve myself.
In other news, Kira finally got fixed and she is super unhappy about it. Running around with the cone of shame is not her most favorite thing in the world that is for sure. My brother in-law Justin got in a pretty serious accident with his bicycle when a rabbit jumped in front of him and as a result broke his neck. Luckily it didn’t cause enough damage to paralyze him and he is recovering well. Unfortunately when Mandi’s mom was racing to the hospital to see him, she ended up getting in a slight fender bender with her car. She is fine and since has purchased a new vehicle, but when it rains it pours that’s for sure.
Aside from the never ending yard work, I have been getting a lot of minor repairs done to the RV and house here and there. I swear when it’s time for things to break, everything decides to break. But that is how it goes, at least it keeps me busy. I have some more camping adventures coming up and I have been working on some items on The Mandi List, I will keep everyone updated in my next post.
Please remember to donate if you can to organizations like MetaVivor, too many people are faced with this terrible disease and it affects everyone they love as well. So many new therapies are on the horizon and a lot of them have some serious potential. I can’t help but think if Mandi would still be here with some of the new treatments available.
I love you Mandi, always and forever.