It has been a fairly busy few weeks since I last posted, there have been a lot of things going on at work and at home. I do like to stay busy as it helps me focus on things that are not painful for me. Not that I don’t have those days where I just want to stay in bed and wrap myself in blankets and hide from the outside world. But things have been different lately, when everything was getting dark to the point I didn’t think there was any hope for me being happy again, I found comfort. I haven’t smiled or felt good in so long I almost forgot how it feels. This new life has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced, but I now feel like I can start climbing down the cloudy mountain of grief and find a new path for myself.
Komen Utah is going to be doing the Advancing the Promise – The Mandi Hudson award in November and I have posted information on social media and there is more information on their site as well. I am very happy they are going to keep this going, it meant a lot to Mandi and it means a lot to me. They do want me to help nominate people for the award which might stir up some emotions, but I am ready. Mandi did so much for the MBC community, as I try and follow and keep up with her efforts I am coming to terms I am never going to be as good as she was with these kind of things. But that is okay and I am not going to let it beat me up, I am going to give it my best effort and that is all she wanted.
I have been talking to people in groups as well as my grief counselor and they recommended I start trying to meet people outside of the normal circle of friends so I am less likely to get caught in some emotional waves. It is part of the process they say of accepting my new life and trying to keep my head up and do what Mandi wanted most, to be happy again. This was a challenge I will admit, but I pushed forward and gave it my best. I was lucky enough to find someone going through the same thing I am with the benefit of a little more experience, this has been a huge gain to my emotional state. It is hard to explain to people what I am feeling, but it is easier when the person has been through what I have.
Since then I have been making huge improvements to how I feel, pictures no longer make me cry and instead remind me of all the amazing times I had with Mandi. I don’t sit up all night thinking about that terrible day, granted it still happens on occasion but it is much less frequent. I am appreciating more and more the amazing things Mandi did for me, she made me who I am today and without her I don’t know where I would be now.
Work has been a bit bumpy with some changes to the organization, but I am not going to let that get in the way of my focus to stay happy. Work is work and it will always be there, living life to the fullest is more important to me now. I do wish I was not working so much when Mandi was getting sick, I was just so focused on making sure things would not change financially and that we could continue traveling places like Mandi wanted. But I made sure she was taken care of and I shouldn’t dwell on the past. She was happy and she loved me, and that is all that matters.
I have been getting out of the house a lot lately, mostly camping and riding the ATV’s. I have been trying to keep my schedule full as it seems to be helping me come to terms with my new reality. The minute I am stuck alone thinking, thats when things can start to go backwards. However, I keep looking ahead and keep a laser like focus on my future and doing what is right for me and the people I love.
I need to accept my life is now different, and this is only the next chapter in my life. Nothing will ever replace Mandi and it will always hurt, but I accept that more now. If it didn’t hurt than something would be wrong, she changed a lot of lives for the better. She was in every sense of the word a hero, and she will live forever in the memories of mine and those who’s hearts she touched.
November is coming soon, and if you know anyone you would like me to nominate for the award feel free to contact me. Thank you so much for the continuing support through this dark time in my life. I have met so many amazing people in this community and it is has been truly inspiring. I wish I could meet all of you in person and personally thank you for all you have done for me.