It has been a difficult couple of weeks since I last posted, there is so much going on it is enough to make anyone’s head spin. Work has been steady and picking up pace now that school is starting, but busy is good as it keeps my mind occupied. The hardest thing to swallow was our wedding anniversary, that was a tough day. No matter how hard I tried to get myself moving, nothing seemed to work. You can’t escape grief, even hiding under the covers it found me.
For years Mandi and I had a tradition of buying steaks and lobster to grill at home while spending the night together. We would watch movies, sit outside, and spoil the crap out of each other in general. It was always such a great day to look forward to, it was the day I married my soulmate. This anniversary I was hit by an emotional freight train the moment I woke up, memories of all the good times we had rushed in like a flash flood. A day that used to bring such joy to my life now puts me in to tears. So I spent the majority of the day in bed, alone with my thoughts. The dogs were not very happy about that, Kira does not like it when I am sad.
I am hoping this is temporary and only due to the initial shock of not having her here with me on such a special day for the first time. Our wedding day was the best day of my life, the day I finally felt complete. I found the most amazing person in my life and she was going to be with me forever. I can’t let this grief ruin such a wonderful moment in time for me, I won’t let it. I know it will take a while before the memories we had put a smile on my face instead of reminding me of what I have lost. I still cannot believe that she is gone, with all that we have been through I never gave up hope.
There are a lot of holidays that are special coming up soon, and I am sure they are going to be difficult as well. I keep telling myself to remember the good things and that she wanted me to be happy and not sad, but this is so much easier to say than to actually do. I will keep trying, not just for me, but for her. I want to enjoy the memories we shared, and I do, but right now it is accompanied by this overwhelming feeling of loss. It is so intense at times it causes physical pain, it is hard to describe, but it hurts.
As for the rest of the week like usual things broke and needed to be repaired, something that seems to becoming normal for me lately. The backyard has been flooding for a while now and we just never noticed it. Turns out there was a pipe for our sprinklers that was cracked when we xeriscaped the yard a couple years back. The only reason I noticed is our wooden stairs seemed to be rotting away at an alarming rate and after investigating a bit further I found the leak, mystery solved at least.
I hired a company to come and fix the plumbing in the back yard, and to save money I just capped off some areas that used to get watered. Luckily there are only a couple plants in that area, I will try and water them but I am terrible at keeping plants happy, so they may not last long. Fifi had to go in for some minor fixes which ended up being pretty inexpensive. The trim under the side door was bent and needed to be resealed, and there was a vent that broke when we were camping in Gooseberry. I have to keep Fifi in good shape, I have some serious trips I have to accomplish. I am not sure why so many things have been breaking lately, but that is how it goes I guess.
The last repair of the week was the ceiling in the living room. I had a surveyor come to inspect the house for solar and while he was in the attic he ended up cracking the drywall. Accidents happen and they handled it very professionally, so I really can’t complain. They came to fix it the next day and will be back to sand and paint in a few days.
The Pink Tie Ball is coming up and I am honored that they invited me to attend. They are letting me help select who will receive the “Advancing the Promise: The Mandi Hudson Award”. I don’t have very many details as of yet, but I am sure when it gets closer to November I will have more information. I know a few amazing people I would nominate, however they live out of the state so I am not sure how that works. I will keep everyone posted when they let me know.
I have been pretty reclusive lately, something I need to work on. I know the more I sit alone with my thoughts the harder it is on me. For some reason these last few weeks have been super tough, I am not sure if its because the season is changing or that my new reality is sinking in more in my mind. I have really been having a tough time thinking straight and getting things done.
I still have a lot to do and have been moving pretty slow, I wish I could control this depression better. I was hoping I would have the strength to go through Mandi’s clothes by now so I could have a blanket and bear made, but it still continues to be a huge challenge for me. I do have a lot of her artwork and writings saved, it is just so hard to look at them without crying my eyes out. I promise I will get them posted eventually, it is just hard to do right now. I have been told to slow down and do things at a pace that is comfortable, and I am working on that.
They are making progress on the diamond made from her ashes, and it is looking like I might have it around November this year. Speaking of, I still need to distribute her jewelry to her family, another thing I keep forgetting to do. It is amazing how much time is consumed just trying to keep the house in order and the dogs happy. Mandi did so much even when she was sick, it amazes me how strong and on top of things she was.
I am slowly starting to get the hang of things on my own, which means I will have more time to focus on The Mandi List, the Art’s Festival Fundraiser, and other things I want to accomplish. That is if the house stops falling apart on me for a month and nothing decides to blow up. I feel like whenever I am ready to put time in to a project something comes up. Diane, who is a good friend of Mandi’s said she would help me out at anytime so I will be contacting her soon.
I do struggle with asking for help, I am not sure why either. So many people have offered to help me with various projects and tasks, I just need to get over my anxiety and ask. I will work on that. I continue to meet new and amazing people who knew Mandi through her blog and I am so proud of the things she accomplished. I am trying my best to follow in her footsteps and keep people informed about new treatments, drugs, and advancements. I post them mostly on Facebook, but I should start including them in my blog posts as well I think.
Thank you for all the support, I am so incredibly grateful to have so many people sharing their experiences with me and keeping my chin up.