The last two months have been a lot of work adjusting to life without my beautiful Mandi. Time slows down while the rest of the world continues moving forward at it’s normal pace. Wanting to take things on when I am ready versus reality has been a bit overwhelming. Medical, insurance, and credit card companies do not care to wait for you to be ready and it can stir up emotions on an epic scale. Even little things like Mandi’s Ipsy subscription just makes me feel empty when I have to cancel them.
I’ve been debating changing jobs for the last few months and decided to take the plunge. I have some fantastic employees so this was a hard decision to make, all of them have been incredibly supportive and great to work with. Really the only thing keeping me there lately was my team, the work itself has been extremely stressful.
Managing teams can be difficult, but it can also be very rewarding. A lot of my management style came from Mandi, actually all of it did what am I saying. She was a natural leader and people adored her, without her guidance I wouldn’t have made it this far in my career. But it is time for something new, I am hoping it will help with my depression. Time will tell…
I try hard to keep busy and force myself to go out and do things. I find walking the dogs and staying occupied with projects keeps my emotions in check. Right before I go to bed is still the hardest part of the day, there are not many activities that stop my mind from wandering without keeping me up all night. I am still trying to find something that will work for me in the long run.
The house is so quiet, it is actually too quiet. I miss hearing Mandi’s voice, her giggles, even her breathing (or snoring) at night. After so many years of getting used to all these sounds not having them feels so unnatural. The silence is an unwelcome guest that haunts me day and night, reminding me I am alone. I used to tell Mandi to turn the volume down while she was watching her TV shows on work nights, now I leave them on as a form of comforting white noise. Tiny House, House Hunters, and Shark Tank were her favorite things to watch, and I will admit they kinda grew on me.
I have received great feedback about the art festival idea and can’t wait to get started on it. Once I get settled in the new job I will be dedicating my nights and weekends to getting this going. I even have some friends that can help with music and food for the event, I just need to start contacting local artists. I figured I can stop by booths at the upcoming festivals and get the word out, as well as going to galleries around Salt Lake. I will also reach out and find some groups online that can help organize the event along with people in the MBC community.
Summer has arrived and I got Fifi all clean and verified the plumbing and electrical is working as it should. She is ready to, “Put her hair down” as Mandi would say. I just need to push myself to plan something, it is just hard to go in there knowing I am doing this without Mandi.
I have never taken the RV anywhere without her, so I figure I may have to take a friend with me in the event I have an emotional break down. I can almost guarantee I am going to have trouble doing this without some help, just going in there to clean I had to stop several times and gather my emotions.
The dogs have been behaving for the most part, aside from Kira beating up on Dante. I had to take the poor little guy to get some abscesses drained from Kira biting him. So for now I keep him by my side and make sure he is not alone with the grumpy fuzz butt. Kira is still very much a puppy and tends to play a little rough, Dante is so passive he just lets her beat him up. Zack on the other hand is tough and stands his ground, I think he has lashed out enough Kira just leaves him alone. Mandi had a lot on her plate already and I am amazed she was able to take care of these wild animals during the day while I was working.
I am going to get some of Mandi’s clothes made in to a blanket or quilt. I really like the idea of having something I can snuggle up to that reminds me of her. It was also a suggestion she had, she wanted me to donate some of her clothes and make a quilt with the ones I kept. I will be letting Mandi’s mom go through them first since she is about the same size, plus it will give her more things to remember her daughter.
I miss Mandi so much, the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life was the day I met her. I am half the person I used to be, and I am not sure when or if I will ever be whole again. I need to try and be happy about the memories I have with her, but it is going to be a long time at this rate. So many things remind me of her, it is hard to go longer than six hours without feeling consumed by despair. Each day is a new challenge of trying to get myself moving and not dwelling on the day I lost her. I would do anything just to hold her in my arms again, my sweet beautiful Mandi.
Don’t wait until it is too late to tell someone you love them, to travel places and enjoy life. Life is beautiful, but it is also a complete mystery as to what the future holds. You can plant your feet, but the world will keep on spinning.
Thank you for all the support, it is amazing how many wonderful people are out there.