This is Why I am Not an Actress

9
Nov

Snow in our bushes.

The lack of drama in my health life at the moment is perfectly fine. The doctors had me delay starting Tamoxifen back up until after my reconstruction surgery. Starting, stopping, starting, stopping… it seemed counterproductive (Tamoxifen has a pretty decent increase in the rate of blood clots, so you have to stop a decent chunk of time before a planned surgery). Which means I am LIVING LARGE on estrogen. It is like a drug when you haven’t had it in awhile… Which is also a bit scary, estrogen is cancer candy.

I am still getting minor dizzy spells (nothing like before). I don’t know if they are stress or fall weather or what. The paranoid part of me drifts into “tumor in my brain” the logical side of me goes “body recovering from lots of trauma.” The battle continues on the inside, but the outside wants to just live without medical drama and not pursue it. I am sure it is innocent, but I will probably call my nurses because I have a new paranoid part of me that ignores medical issues a bit less then I did, say, two years ago…

I must admit, it is purely impossible to buy too many clothes for a vacation. My obsession started with swimming suits and then sundresses… Which should be pure insanity since it has been snowing here off and on. It has been a late fall (but summer didn’t really start until July). I need to stop buying new clothes (that I can’t wear to work)… but part of me is satisfied that now I know how to shop for “the new me.” I know how to hide my scars, but feel proud of how I look (I still can’t quite get used to the hair). Although the “new me” isn’t done until February-ish.

I don’t regret my bilateral mastectomy. I know young women question whether or not it is the choice for them. My surgery was able to preserve the skin and nipples, even though they aren’t what they were (luckily I don’t have a photographic reminder of quite what the breasts used to be). Surgery choice is an extremely personal decision that you make when you don’t have a clear mind. I prefer not worrying about the tissue in there creating tumor cells, instead I just worry about what could be “leftovers,” but everyone hates leftovers, so I don’t have any… I had so many stupid complications with my surgery (which these days I blame on not letting my body rest and heal properly). I wanted to do too much too soon.

Tomorrow I get my first real haircut. I haven’t a clue to do with this mess of brunette curls. I couldn’t decide who to have do the first haircut, but I decided that I wanted to have the hairstylist who chopped it all off cut it. It seems like a full circle that I am ready for.

rhynetj

You “sound” good–glad to hear/ read it! Exciting to get the first hair cut. I can totally relate (my hair went from long, straight blonde, to ….well, bald of course, but then short, curly, brown and now I’m “magically” blonde again, and the length is back but only a little of the curl stayed). I’m sure you’ll look great no matter what you choose.

http://www.darngoodlemonade.com Mandi

I prefer no curl and blonde, but at this point I am super happy to have hair (even though there are the adventures on figuring out what to do with it as it grows out!).

Michellefarrance

Wow – first hair cut… milestone! That’s exciting.

Also I wanted to say that the dizziness is most likely from the estrogen back in your body, it’s been gone for a while and now it’s back… entire plausible right?

I know what you mean about ‘tumor in the brain’ thoughts. I had a few headaches a while back and I was convinced it had gone to my brain.

I think cancer turns us into paranoid hypochondriacs for the first little while after it’s over. Problem is, we can’t ignore symptoms like other people, we don’t have that luxury anymore to say ‘it’s probably nothing’.

SO – even though I think it’s nothing, I think it’s good to see the nurse for your own piece of mind.

PS – remember to post pics of the first haircut

http://www.darngoodlemonade.com Mandi

I can’t blame the estrogen because I had that back before I got the spells and I knocked it out with the Tamoxifen (I made it to “severe hot flashes regularly,” so I figure I was low).

I do feel like a paranoid hypochondriac, and it is strange to be one after so many years of not seeing doctors very often.

I will post pics! Next post.

http://pinkunderbelly.wordpress.com/ pinkunderbelly

Wow, I never thought about the fact that we make the hard decisions about surgery while we don’t have a clear mind. Nicely put. I really like the idea of lots of shopping and coming full circle. Yay for you!

http://www.darngoodlemonade.com Mandi

Thanks! There is just no way you are clear headed when you start treatment and make the choice, but we all make the choice that is best for ourselves at that time.

Lalove55

It’s so weird to hear of your experiences, cause we continue to sound “related to each other”! I have really battled dizziness. We have tried going off of this or that for awhile. It seems to be letting up some, but I still feel tired and dizzyish a lot. My hair came in dark & wavy too, but the longer it gets, the less curl I have. Dang! I would liked to have kept some of it!

http://www.darngoodlemonade.com Mandi

We sound almost related! I am finding “dizzy” after treatment isn’t abnormal (digging around in the internet). The easy solution is that it can an inner ear infection. The dizzy spells all seemed to start after I finished radiation. I have stopped all medications and still have them, so who knows? My hair came in the same color, just crazy curly. I dyed it to get rid of the gray.